It's exhausting isn't it... Always checking to see what Larry posted on his Strava account, so you can try and one-up him? Or is it looking at every person on the trail in front of you as a race competitor that you have to pass? Maybe checking and counting weight plates on the barbell that the super fit, and beautiful, lady at the gym with you is prepping for her deadlift? These are just the very 'Boulder' versions of the everyday examples we are faced with that leave us with the desire to compare. It's funny how subconscious these things can get, in a town with ultra-elite athletes all around us. Our brains are wired to fall prey to this sort of 'Keeping up with the Jones' mentality. We are made with the innate desire to want or need to anticipate more.
I recently came across a TedXCU presentation by a woman named Amanda McCracken, who was a former CU English professor. She shares her intimate journey of going through this repetitive patterning with her romantic life. She was a 40 year old virgin when she found herself exhausted by the relentless pattern of seeking and going out with short term flings. In her presentation, she references how she became addicted to the dopamine surges she experienced with imagining her perfect mate, in the perfect setting, and the perfect time of her life, all while going through hundreds of men that only lasted a few weeks at a time. She would rather long for what she wasn't finding in them, than to slow down and sit in the hurt of not having what she was looking for and be more selective and contemplative with the search, or even with the root feelings of why she felt she needed a mate so badly. Here’s a link to the TEDxCU video: LINK
How can we compete with our own neurobiology!? I think to my own experiences with dating and social media. Historically, the chase has always been sweeter than the long-term building and maintaining of romantic relationships. Looking forward to getting a text or a photo…anticipating when he will ask me to make plans…getting dressed up and ready to impress on a date, that I’ve been looking forward to. These things are all so much more exciting-and prevalent- when we mix it with someone new and mysterious, aren’t they? Maybe that’s why there are marital affairs and cheating running rampant in today’s relationships. We’ve grown lazy and succumbed to the easy ‘fix’ from these short term hits of feel good brain chemicals. How could we blame ourselves? Society monetizes these neuro-structures through our devices and consumerist conveniences. We’ve been groomed to exist in our sympathetic nervous system state. So, how do we get out of there and start living more in our parasympathetic state? This is THE work…
I've been opening up and talking with more of my clients about burnout. Maybe it’s a product of turning 40 next year. Maybe it’s that my parents have been living in my basement since Covid, with no end in sight. Maybe it’s all the manual labor included in my work. Maybe it’s from going back to school. Maybe it’s motherhood. Probably it’s all of these things combined. I’m just tired. The thing is, is that it's not just an age appropriate feeling anymore. People of all ages and walks of life are feeling this immense exhaustion. We are running around getting our hormones tested, signing up for meditation retreats, and programming our wearables to remind us to take deep breaths. Yet, the root cause of this exhaustion doesn't seem to be lying in the next yoga class or hormone balancing diet/supplement regimen. It's our lifestyles. We are constantly expected to be 'on' for our friends, our families, our work colleagues. We've trained each other to be available 24-7. How many times have you commented or direct messaged a colleague or friend on social media, and then sent a text message to follow up if you didn't hear back in the hour? Maybe taken it personally when you emailed or called someone about something important, and then see them posting stories on their instagram feed all day long? It's hard NOT to take it personally, in this age of instant gratification. Like I said before-we have been trained to be available at all times.
Connecting this part of our 'new' lifestyle to our daily routines, has been interesting. I wonder how much of this neural training carries on into what we pursue in our lives. Do we get this same dopamine hits when we sign our kids up for another after-school sport or activity? What about when we commit to something for every upcoming weekend for the next month? Constantly seeking to stack our schedules to the brim with more stuff to give us a steady stream of neurochemicals that reinforce the brain pathways that we are 'winning'. I'd even argue that the HIIT workouts i'm slightly 'addicted' to are reinforcing these same pathways connecting to the sympathetic nervous system state as well. Is all stress bad stress though? Not in my opinion...but we DO need to seek out more balance in our daily lives. Running on fumes is not a sustainable way to exist, and especially not while in relationship with others. Leaning into more parasympathetic states of being, in our daily lives, will benefit us long term. It can help us to show up in a more regulated emotional and physical state with our work, the people we love, and the challenges that we inevitable end up facing. I could probably write another entire post on how chronic sympathetic states can lead to chronic pain...but that will have to wait for another time. Today's post is more about awareness and curiosity surrounding the 'whys' of what we do on a daily basis. Let's start to think more deeply about what we are really trying to achieve with our packed schedules and grueling workouts. Is it really for a specific goal? Or are we simply trying to keep up with outside forces around us, to potentially prove something to them or even ourselves? Let's keep asking ourselves 'why'.
-All my love and gratitude,
Kim
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